Dear Diary
by Tsubasa Hane
Summary: A glimpse into the hours after Apprentice, Part 1. Starfire's POV.


This idea came to me (obviously) just after watching Apprentice, part 1 and takes place almost immediately after. I wanted to explore the idea that the probes might have an effect on the Titans, even before Slade pushed the button

Oh, yeah…this is only a one-shot, so please don't ask for a sequel. I won't write one.

* * *

**Dear Diary**

* * *

They knew something was wrong the minute they arrived back at the Tower.

At first, it was nothing more than a dull headache, something immediately passed off as a result of stress from the day. They'd certainly had enough of it to cause an all-out migraine, that was for sure. But the pain grew at a much more rapid pace than anticipated, until their whole bodies began to ache. A tingling sensation followed, flowing through every last vein, artery, and capillary.

Something in their blood, perhaps? But no…all sensors read negative for any signs of poisons of toxins. Whatever it was that was wrong with them, it was something no medical book could treat.

To add to their troubles, Robin never came back from his most recent one-on-one with Slade. His com-link was not only still functioning properly, but had been left on. Still, there was no response from the other end. Only deafening silence. This wasn't the first time their beloved leader had gone A.W.O.L. after, or even during, a mission—it had almost become a regular habit of his as of late, in fact. But this time, Slade was involved…and they all knew he never seemed to be able to think clearly when it came to Slade.

**o*0*o**

Raven sighed inwardly, pulling back her hood and placing a hand to her forehead. Fatigue threatened to overwhelm her despite it still being early in the evening. A cup of freshly made herbal tea rested on the table in front of her. But every time she moved to pick it up, her hands shook so badly that the steaming liquid spilled onto her hands, as well as the floor. She finally had to use her powers to steady it enough to take a sip, though the effort only drained her energy even further.

She gave up after just one attempt, placing the cup back down. Her eyes then traveled to her immediate right, where Beast Boy had curled up into a tiny ball at the end of the couch. His face was twisted into an expression of a dreamless sleep. Almost peaceful-looking. Despite his constant annoying antics, Raven's heart went out to the boy; he had been the first to fall ill, being the youngest of the four by close to two years. Raven, herself, was only just recently sixteen.

Before it even registered in her mind what she was doing, Raven reached over with one hand and brushed a few strands of wild, green hair away from his face. He stirred faintly at the touch, blurry eyes opening partially until they focused on the girl. Yet no embarrassment was felt at being caught in such an emotional moment, however subtle it may have been. For reasons she couldn't understand, Raven always felt slightly more at ease when it was just the two of them… even in spite of his blunt, tactless efforts at flirting.

"How're you feeling?" She asked him softly, mentally noting that he showed no signs of a fever. Thankfully.

"Like somebody's been running over my head with a bulldozer a few thousand times." Beast Boy stifled a yawn as he spoke before glancing around the vacant room. "Where are the others?"

"Cyborg's locked himself in his room, gone into shutdown so he can recharge. I haven't seen Starfire since she took off, but I'm pretty sure she's still in the tower somewhere."

"And…Robin?"

There was a long pause before Raven finally answered. "Still no word. He's been gone for almost ten hours now."

"Oh." He tried shifting his weight to look at her better. "How's Starfire taking it?"

Without another word, Raven just shook her head at him sadly, and he understood. A heavy silence washed over the two of them, neither sure of what to say but both with their minds on the same thing…or rather, same person.

* * *

_Dear Diary  
I can't get him off my mind  
And it scares me  
'cause I've never felt this way._

_No one in this world  
Knows me better than you do  
So, Diary, I'll confide in you_

-Britney Spears, _Dear Diary_

* * *

The girl in question, as it was, had long since cried herself out. Sore eyes, which would most likely have been red and swollen had they been human, stared blankly at the closed door in front of her. She wavered on her feet slightly from weariness, but after a moment's hesitation, managed to gain enough strength to turn and walk away.

It was most likely locked, anyway, even if she could bring herself to enter. And she knew what it was that awaited her inside: old newspaper clippings…broken gadgets from previous battles…a scatter of papers and other pieces of evidence, cluttered on a single wooden table…

But no Robin.

A vast array of pinks and violets surrounded her from the moment she entered, almost mocking her in their aura of cheerfulness while she was so miserable. Starfire sat on the edge of her bed, eyes turning to the floor.

* * *

_Who is Slade?_

_Robin? Robin, why do you not answer?_

_You almost got hurt today. Next time, I could be worse…_

_Please respond, Robin!_

_Whoever Slade is, you and he are…similar. He did not trust you, and you did not trust us._

_Robin!

* * *

_

She shook her head abruptly, wishing the thoughts away. Her mind was so cluttered, she could not even think straight. No matter how hard she tried, her thoughts kept drifting back to the Titans leader. Where was he? Why had he not come back yet? Was he hurt? In trouble? Did he need their help? Did he need _her_ help?

Her legs brushed against something hard just then, drawing her attention, and she twirled her body around so she could rest on her stomach. Long arms carefully reached under the bed frame, emerging with a medium-sized box. Inside, there was a beautiful lavender-colored book. Her name, _KORY_, was spelled out in neatly written gold letters, and a brief flip through the pages showed that they were blank.

It had been a birthday present from Beast Boy some time back, she remembered. A…Diary, was it? Yes, that was what this odd book was called. He told her that a lot of kids kept one, even him (though his was a _journal_, not Diary. Frankly, Starfire couldn't see much difference between the two). It was supposed to be for writing down one's thoughts, memories, and anything thing else she wanted.

Starfire had never heard of such a thing before. On her planet, anything one wished to share would be with a fellow person, not an inanimate object. There seemed little point in talking to something that could not talk back. Then again, Earth was full of strange, unfamiliar things that often turned out to be wonderful. Perhaps this "Diary" would be the same.

Reaching over towards her nightstand, Starfire grabbed a ballpoint pen, opened her Diary to the first page, and began to write.

_

* * *

Hello, dear Diary!_

_I am sorry for having ignored you until now. You see, the concept of writing down one's person thoughts is very new to me and I never believed it would come in handy. Now I do._

She hesitated, holding her pen inches from the paper as she carefully reread her words, trying to think of what to write next.

_I suppose I should start from the beginning. That is where most stories begin, after all. But the problem is…I am unsure of what the "beginning" is exactly. There are so many: the day I arrived on this planet, a strange world so similar yet so different from Tamaran…the day I became a Titan, the happiest moment of my existence second only to one other…_

_Our first encounter with Slade. Yes, that is most likely the beginning I am looking for._

_We first heard of this Slade person when the three students of H.I.V.E attacked us and briefly took over the tower. That is also the first time Robin had gone missing…the first time since I had been a part of the Titans that I felt alone and frightened._

_I had been chasing after Cyborg (who is apparently not a very skilled flyer) and returned to find only Raven and Beast Boy. They told me that Robin had vanished during battle. They hadn't seem him since. But that was impossible; people do not just vanish! …do they?_

_I was so confused. I needed somebody to explain things to me. I need Robin to explain things to me, like he always had done before. I needed Robin._

_But he came back that time, and we were once again victorious. Maybe he'll come back again? Maybe…maybe it's just taking him a little longer this time…

* * *

_

Again, she pulled the pen back. A faint smile appeared on her lips as she recalled what had happened after that.

_

* * *

He was always so patient with me. I know it must have been hard to take time out of his training or activities of pleasure to help me whenever I did not understand something, but he did it without hesitation. We went to the "carnival", where he took me on a ride—the ferret wheel, I think, though I do not remember there being any ferrets—and showed me this wonderful display of color and light called "fireworks." It was so pretty, almost magical. I never forgot that moment when I turned to question him about the "fireworks," and he answered me with a kind smile, offering me a piece of cotton candy._

_But sometimes, it was so hard…my sister's visit reminded me of that more than anything. Blackfire was so at ease on this planet, able to understand what I could not. The others began to like her almost immediately, and I feared that they would grow to like her more than me. Yet it was Robin who came to my side every time, telling me that I had no reason to worry._

_"She could never take your place. No one could ever take your place."_

_And he smiled at me again. That warm, gentle smile of his he never gives to anyone else. I believe my heart skipped a beat in that moment. Do you remember when I told you that joining the Titans was the second happiest moment of my existence, Diary?_

_Well, that was my happiest._

* * *

Here, she paused only because she ran out of room. When she turned the page, however, tiny drops of water appeared on the paper before the pen even touched it.

_

* * *

This is why I was so surprised when he suddenly grew very distant, locking himself in his room at all hours of the day and night. He began collecting every newspaper article he could find that may hold any clues to what Slade was up to. If there was even the slightest tip or lead, he would immediately rush out to follow it._

_And then there was Red X. I had never met a villain like him before, yet he seemed so familiar. The way he moved…the way he fought…how he knew each of our weaknesses and how to use them to his advantage. Robin was, of course, too busy gathering information and ignoring us to help out. I worried about him, Diary. It was like he wasn't Robin anymore, but a complete stranger._

_Then I went into his room, which was lighted only by a dim bulb. I had hoped to find Robin, perhaps talk to him. What I found was a holographic image-device of Robin, flickering and constantly repeating the same sentence over and over again. For a moment, I was confused…then it came to me._

_Robin was Red X!_

_The others found out soon after I did, after catching him in the act of committing yet another robbery. I did not understand why he would do such a thing. I still do not understand. I needed Robin to explain it to me…but he didn't. For the first time, I was left in the darkness._

_Cyborg, Raven, and Beast Boy all yelled at him. They were furious he would do such a thing, avoiding him for the next few days out of anger. I was not angry at him, though. I could never be angry at Robin. But what I felt was much worse._

_I was hurt._

_I was scared._

_And now Robin has vanished again. He would not respond when I called him on the communication device, though I know in my heart that he could hear me. Diary, what should I do? I fear that he has not come back because he is unable to. He would never abandon us, not without reason._

_I know it is selfish, Diary, but I want him to come back. I need him to come back. I need him to be there for me when I am scared and lost and confused. I need him to smile at me again like he did that day we sat on the roof of the tower, watching the sunset together. I need him. I can't help it, Diary, because…_

_Because I love him._

_Robi..._

* * *

More water droplets fell on the page, smudging a few of the words. But this time, the tears went unnoticed; her exhaustion having finally caught up with her, Starfire's head drooped so low on her bed that she had fallen fast asleep.

The diary slipped from her hands and fell to the floor, clasping shut on impact.

_Your secret's safe with me._


End file.
